It was a long time ago, but I remember the feeling well. That feeling of desperation, loneliness, fear, self loathing and hopelessness. It was a long time ago, because shortly after I had those feelings, shortly after crying out to the world that I needed a girlfriend, I got one.
How did this happen? To tell the truth, I’m not sure. I had spent the last 2 years in search of an answer. My whole life, all I ever wanted was to be in a relationship with someone. My parents were happily married till my father passed away. My grandparent went right through to their 75 year silver jubilee celebration of marriage. I was brought up around stable relationships, and yet somehow I couldn’t seem to have one of my own.
As a teenager, I used to fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone. A lot of the cool kids at school were starting to pair off, and I too was getting a fair amount of interest from the opposite sex, but I was hopelessly shy and ended up falling hopelessly in love with a series of crushes who I ended up scaring away.
This more or less continued right through until university, and my desperation grew and grew. Whilst my friends where out having casual sex, I was stood around in bars messing up my life.
A few years later, and my desperation became a vortex that ate away at my existence. I began to approach women in the street, starting conversations and doing anything I could to satisfy my need to be with someone. Around this time, I begun to notice that I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. As it turned out, there were other guys and gals out there who felt hopelessly lost just like I did.
Once I realized that I wasn’t alone, somehow it wasn’t so bad anymore. I wasn’t satisfied, but at least I wasn’t alone any longer either. I became friends with others in a similar boat, and together we made a pact to find ourselves someone and solve the craving that drove us to roam the streets talking to strangers at an ungodly hour.
As time went on, my new friends became closer friends, and I begun to care less about my search. It was subtle at first, we continued to talk about meeting someone nearly every day, but overtime the purpose of finding a girl became less relevant somehow. Other things in life began to take up my time.
One day, as I traveled my meet a friend, it suddenly occurred to me that I just didn’t seem to care anymore. I didn’t care if I never had sex, care if there wasn’t a women in my life. It was no longer important to me. This feeling was truly bizarre and completely alien to me. After all, I had been searching for as long as I could remember. This feeling hit me like a bolt of lightning, and as I stood there awestruck, a big smile began to spread across my face. I found that satisfaction that I was looking for. From that point on, I was no longer looking for a girlfriend.
A few weeks later, she entered my life. We got talking on the phone and one thing led to another. Our relationship lasted 3 years. I write this on the day that our relationship ended. Now I once again have a girlfriend, and once again I can feel those thoughts and feelings popping up in my head. Now, I know for sure that it doesn’t matter. I can relax and get on with my life.
Ironically, the girl you want will come when you aren’t chasing her.
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